I’m home alone on Father’s Day. Usually, I’d be sitting at my in-laws above-ground swimming pool, listening to my kids fight over rafts and beg for soft-serve. Jason would be on the BBQ grilling turkey burgers, and I’d be rummaging through my purse for Zyrtec and sunscreen. I'd already be dreading the drive back to the city, as well as the struggle to take showers and go to bed. My house would be a shambles, with pieces of half-eaten croissants and open markers covering the kitchen table. In Sid's bunk, I'd fall asleep with my phone unplugged. Monday would come, and life would go on.
Instead, I’m in bed with my dog. We went on a five-mile walk. I wrote, I read, and now I’m debating what to get for dinner. I might even try to work the TV or figure out where we keep the paper towels. But I don’t know if I’m feeling that ambitious.
My kids are in Europe for the first time without me. Germany, no less! I didn’t go because I was working, and Jason only committed to this trip on Wednesday.
At first, taking my kids to Munich without me felt like a giant cock punch. I was pissed because we’d discussed the trip and decided, as a couple, that it didn’t make sense. We didn’t have enough time to have a real vacation. It was only going to be three days, and I personally didn’t feel like it was worth the money. I was mostly upset because one of my summer goals was to immerse the boys in German for an entire month. I’d been talking about this since last summer and gave up on my dream only after discovering that Germans don’t believe in sending their kids to day camp. I still have to work this summer regardless of where I set up shop, so having them with me 24/7 was going to be tough.
Jason is going away for two months to do a movie. Yes, he’s leaving in the middle of the “CAN I GO ON MY IPAD?” summer. There won't be a good cop and a bad cop; there will only be one cop, me.
I’m so proud of my husband, and I know that he is going to crush this project. He needs this project! He was born for this project! However, my stress stems from the fact that I was not meant to be a single mother. I was meant to be a working mother with a wife who stays at home. And now, my wife is going AWOL. I’m on my own. It’s not September. It’s fucking June, and I’m scared shitless.
It took me some time to accept that my kids needed structure more than they needed to practice their German, but eventually, I decided to postpone our trip to Europe until another time. So when Jason sprung the idea of taking the boys on a quick weekend trip without me, I flipped.
I honestly could have handled him telling me that he was taking them anywhere, but Germany? That was the only thing I wanted this summer. He was getting his cake, and he was getting his Kaiserschmarren too! It wasn’t fair.
There is an intrinsic chauvinism in the idea of a dad leaving for months and nobody batting an eye. As a mother, I can only imagine the ridicule and shade I’d get if I told people that I was going away for two months without my children. This isn’t Jason’s fault. It’s a societal flaw. But it’s the society I live in.
Jason wasn’t trying to drive the dagger deeper by choosing Munich. He wanted to go because he scored killer tickets to the European Championship.
Lazlo, my youngest, believes that he is a soccer star, and Sid, my oldest, enjoys any game that offers him the opportunity to kick the shit out of Lazlo. This wasn’t done with malice. It was actually a gesture of love. Was I really going to deny my kids an incredible life experience simply because I wasn’t able to have it with them? Of course, I wasn’t. I’m not that fucked up.
We FaceTimed this morning, and all three of them were beaming.
Our kids don’t stay kids forever. As Sid likes to remind me, “Mom, I’m teening up”. I miss them terribly, and I may have just spent three hundred dollars on One Piece figurines to surprise them when they return. But this bit of distance was beneficial for me. It helped me put the summer in perspective.
I’ve been focusing too much energy on my own abandonment, when instead I need to focus on how insanely lucky I am to get this time with my kids while they are still young. Is it going to hard? Sure. But is it going to be worth it? Unquestionably.
As a writer, I can start over. But being a mom is a oner, a long, continuous take where things keep changing but the camera keeps rolling. I’ve got one shot with them. And I want to nail it.
😭❤️
❤️❤️❤️! Meanwhile, isn’t Caroline your work wife? 🥰❤️🌈 I love that you’ve shared this revelation! You are lucky to have him! Otherwise you would just be another miserable power lesbian!