A PRODUCT WHORE'S GUIDE TO THE SEPHORA SALE AND BEYOND

Apr 02, 2024

The title of this piece is sort of misleading because I’m actually not a product whore. I have just tried a bunch of shit and I think most of it is bullshit and marketing. That being said, I’ve never been more in love with my skin care routine than I am now. Here’s how it happened.

Roughly six years ago, I was invited to this swanky party for Drunk Elephant, hosted by one of my sweet friends who repped the brand at the time. This same girlfriend later invited me to a charades party at her house where John Hamm arrived shit faced off his ass and was a total fucking douche to both me and my mom. I’ve hated John Hamm ever since. And yes, I have seen him since. But I digress. This party was back when Tiffany, the founder of Drunk Elephant was still running the company and hadn’t yet sold it to Shiseido.

I remember I had a few minutes alone with her next to the mojito bar where I lamented about my adult acne and how frustrated I was by all products in general.

“I’m actually not a product person.” I confessed.

I was at a place in my mid thirties where I’d run through all the Biologique Recher placenta creams, I’d tried all the organic Tata Harper oils, and I still hadn’t found anything that actually cured chapped lips better than aquafor.

My skin was getting more irritable with age and the cystic zit on my chin needed to be injected with cortisone so frequently that I had a dent on my face.

Tiffany, looking flawless and even without even a stitch of concealer, looked at me and said with total conviction, “People who wear makeup, need makeup.”

This was both an epiphany and the hardest pill to swallow. I almost would have preferred being thrown up on by John Hamm.

“You mean…” “Like, no makeup, ever?” I looked at her, praying for a caveat to her statement that never came.

“ Never.” she said, matter-a-factly then offered me a goody bag.

I left the party and decided that for a month, I’d try the no-makeup lifestyle. There was just one problem. I looked better with makeup. So I made it two days.

But as someone who works in TV, it’s not totally my fault. My face has been conditioned to think it needs copious amounts of product to thrive. And since I can’t constantly walk around softening my appearance with an instagram “subtle filter”, I’ve been conditioned to believe this too.

I always say that nobody will ever take a better picture of you than you.

For example, if you saw the pics I take of myself on my phone and then compared them to the pics that Jason takes of me on his phone, you would think that you were looking at two different people. The only defence I have against these types of images surfacing in the world is makeup. It’s the only fucking choice.

But as far as what to use, I’ve always been lost.

In September, Jason and I did cameos for this new Kevin Smith movie and once again I found myself sitting in a makeup chair wondering what witchcraft might make me impervious to looking like the bizzaro version of myself on my husband’s iPhone. While I was bitching about how nothing works besides botox and good genes, and eventually the knife. the makeup artist stopped me and gave me her “secret list”.

I was stunned.

Was there always a secret list that other more successful actresses were given and I’d just missed the memo or perhaps wasn’t top tier enough in the union to be sent the email? I might never know. What I do know is that I have shared a bathroom stall with Kate Bosworth and her skin looks airbrushed even without an instagram filter. So you know what? There probably is a list. And you know what else? I’m giving it to you.

In no particular order, this is what I rushed out and bought the day after that shoot.

Tatcha Dewy Skin Cream (I didn’t believe in this stuff at first because I don’t trust things that are purple. But it’s actually amazing)

Drunk Elephant Beste™ No. 9 Jelly Cleanser ( For me their Marula oil and retin-A is my all time product but this is a solid cleanser.) (Oh PS. this might be illegal to say but you can buy every Retin-A without a prescription in Mexico so stock up next time.)

Augustinus Bader The Rich Cream (This is what La Mer should have been. It’s expensive but actually worth it…. unlike LA Mer)

LOTION P50 (I use the Cancer causing type. I just find that it works better.)

Yves Saint Laurent Lash Clash Extreme Volume Mascara (I honestly have this and love but I also rock Rite Aid mascara just as frequently.)

Tatcha The Camellia Oil 2-in-1 Makeup Remover & Cleanser

Beautyblender® pro (I make a fun game for my kids called, clean mommy’s makeup brushes in the shower. It’s quite helpful)

Metal Facial Razor (My sister got me into shaving my peach fuzz. I don’t know if it helps or just feels super rewarding to see stuff come off)

Dyson Airwrap™ Multi-Styler (this eliminated my need for professional blow-outs. Yes, you heard me. I have saved thousands! and I’m left-handed. So if I can do it, so can you.)

Bumble and bumble Shampoo (So I love Bumble. I think they make so many solid products. I hate Olaplex because again I think that shit was just great marketing. However, google Harliniken for hair growth. Actually, first google how to spell it. Then order it and tell me in a month if it is the penicillin of our century? I am shook by how much hair I suddenly have and Guys? I’m someone who used to always need a hair piece in for events.) Another famous actress turned me on to this and it has Changed my hair game so drastically, it’s hard to even articulate.)

Bumble and bumble Conditioner

Bumble and bumble Hairspray

Okay so