THE WEIRD THINGS WE KEEP

I am not a hoarder. Too much of anything (jewelry excluded) makes me feel overstimulated. If it isn’t a denim shirt that I’m wearing constantly, I tend to give it away, sell it, or leave it outside my apartment and wait for it to get carried off in the night. When I was younger, I once left an antique table in the middle of my studio apartment on Martel. I only had my movers for four hours, and the table was too heavy to lug anywhere on my own. When the landlady called me screaming and telling me that I was going to be charged, I came up with a story about the table being a family heirloom that I was leaving behind for her as a gift. She acquiesced, and all was well. The table was from Crate and Barrel, but I sort of hope she still has it.

There are things I can let go of with such ease that you’d think they never belonged to me in the first place. And then there are things that seem to hold greater value that can live in my closet for decades. Sometimes I keep things because I love the story that they evoke. But other times, I keep them because I convince myself that ONE DAY, I will be glad I did.

Here are a few random as fuck selections that up until this moment, still take up space in my closet.

I'd like to present the case for why. And please vote below on what should stay and what needs to go!

1. SWEATER.

   APPROX TIME IN CLOSET: 4.5 years

   Here is a random, hand-sewn German girl sweater. Did my grandmother sew it? NO! Do I know who did? ABSOLUTELY NOT. But I am convinced that one day, in the not-so-distant future, I am going to need this sweater? YES. I’m going to be on vacation in the Swiss Alps. I’m going to be craving the perfect DOEN moment, and have to settle on something basic and beige if I act on impulse and ditch this hand-stitched masterpiece I picked up off eBay.

2. BONDAGE HARNESS.

   APPROX TIME IN CLOSET: 6 years

So when I bought this harness, I was in my “Jill Kargman Era.” I wanted to be edgy and wear this black leather over a flowy, Chloe-inspired sundress. Unfortunately it was always a biut too small and when I wore it over a simple white hanes t-shirt, my boobs looked the size of watermelons. I couldn’t pull off the romantic rock-and-roll mashup. Paired with my shin-high Bottega boots, I just looked like I wanted to hate fuck. I recall once wearing this to view a house in Bedford. The realtor def assumed I worshipped satan.

3. ARTS NECKLACE

APPROX TIME IN CLOSET: 12 YEARS

This necklace was a gift from Lena Dunham when I was working on the HBO show GIRLS. I rarely wear it, but I still love it. Over the years, my kids have pointed out that one of the pieces is a cigarette. These days, I’m more hesitant to wear it because of the watermelon.

4. CHARACTER HEELS

   APPROX TIME IN CLOSET: 1 YEAR

   I bought these shoes when I was hired to speak for the San Antonio Ballet. They were hidden under my suit so that near the end of my speech, I could strip off my outfit and perform Galen Hooks’ RIVER. I needed a shoe that I could dance in, and now, to be perfectly honest, I’m not even sure I wore these on the day or if they were just used for the hours of practice leading up to the event. Either way, WHAT THE FUCK are they still doing in my closet? I think they stayed just in case I suddenly found myself reprising my role as Abigail in Arthur Miller’s The Crucible and needed to head uptown in a pair of shoes that screamed THESPIAN!

   

   5. HUNGARIAN MILK MAID SKIRT

   APPROX TIME IN CLOSET: three years

   I already know what you're thinking, and yes, I have paired this skirt with my Alpine sweater. I wore it on Halloween to a friend’s haunted house in Jersey. One would assume that using it for Halloween would have equalled instant success followed by closure. But I held on, insisting to myself that eventually I’d travel to an Oktoberfest where every other chick would be in one of those flamable Halloween costumes, while I’d be in something bespoke and amazing. I also had a fantasy of wearing this with a crisp white shirt and doing a West Village photo shoot that would make me look cultured with just the right dash of “Oh, she’s quirky.” Neither has happened.

For all the things I hold on to, there are so many that have flown off my shelves without me ever making direct eye contact. I can’t say why one peasant skirt holds priority over a mid-length white skirt, or why having more than two black cashmere sweaters feels overwhelming. I think it’s maybe that some pieces feel like weight added to an already heavy suitcase, and others feel like the inspiration behind the vacation itself.

I aspire constantly to be the girl with the capsule wardrobe, but if I’m honest, that girl seems a bit dull. If we don’t have a little bit of nonsense, how can we remember where we’ve been and also where we want to go?

VOTE BELOW!